Here is a column I wrote, under the pen-name of Desiderius Erasmus an old Dutch philosopher, for a monthly Illinois newsletter on the Second Amendment. Old Desiderius’ motto was In the Land of the Blind, the One-eyed Man is King, which meant that you didn’t have to be perfect in your skillset, just better than your opponent. In Latin, the phrase is “in regione caecorum rex est luscus.”
In regione caecorum rex est luscus
In the Land of the Blind, the One-eyed Man is King
By “Desiderius Erasmus,” a GSL member
Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door
The U.S. Patent Office has issued thousands of patents for mousetraps, more than any other machine. This is the story of one.
A while back, my wife and I noticed numerous small, gray, mice scampering from one shadow in the room to another along the baseboards. Several rooms. Stealthy. Unafraid. I suggested to her that we get rid of them, and she (known in our house as The General) said that we would use live traps, in which the mouse isn’t harmed.
I could then take the trap over to just behind Pop’s Place for a little “food, drinks, fun, and live music,” and let him go. He’d probably thank me, as our house can get a little dull. Over the next five weeks, only two were captured in this manner, while the rest just got fatter on the smorgasbord of human food we piled in the live traps, they then escaped from, that put the spreads at Golden Corral, Pizza Hut, Shoney’s and HuHot Mongolian Grill to shame.
So I suggested poison. The General nixed that because her little Shih Tzu (actually both of ours, but he knows who The General is) might be tempted to sample it, which is highly unlikely given the plethora of three-flavor dog treats I buy him 3-4 times a week. It’s the price I pay to go shoot at the Bullet Trap that often – sort of buying off The General.
Naturally, I then turned to firearms. These mice are small; they are fast; they can change direction effortlessly; they might have rabies, and I’ve heard they will snarl, charge, and try to kill you if you only wound them.
So I suggested to The General that my .44 Magnum should do the trick. She was having none of it. “First of all, you’ll miss. Regardless, you’ll blow a hole through the wall, or through the floor, and then through the ceiling of the room underneath. No!”
Back to the drawing board. The General is probably correct about missing. Aha! Buckshot! 000 buck! And I don’t even need a bulky shotgun, just a new Rossi Brawler in .45 Colt/.410. Winchester makes a perfect .410 load holding five – count em – five 000 buck. The pistol has a nine-inch barrel and is massive, so I could move in and pistol-whip Mr. Mouse with it, if he didn’t expire from the buckshot. Perfect reason to buy a new gun. The General again said “No.”
So I went to Ace and checked out the mousetraps, buying a couple of century-old designs with a wood base, using wood from Forest Stewardship Council (FSC) certified forests, which doesn’t intimidate a mouse one iota. You’ve seen them; Grandma and Gramps used them in the basement of their old house. They have wire snaps that you pull back and down, and then gingerly emplace a thicker straight pin safety that releases when a mouse even gently touches the bait under it. Guess it breaks a mouse’s neck.
Anyway, it’s a killer. Of your thumb and fingers. We’re talking real profanity-screamin’ pain, and afterward you won’t be going to the pistol range anytime soon. Plus, once I was able to master these little monsters, they didn’t bag a single mouse. Not one. So back to the drawing board.
And back to Ace. Then I saw it. A Tomcat Mouse Snap Trap. It looked mean. Black plastic sawtooth jaws. You can set the trap by opening the jaws from a safe position in the rear – keeping your trigger finger, and all nine others, out of the free-fire zone.
Now I’ve seen closeup some deadly weapons in my time. Quad .50 caliber machineguns. M1A1 Abrams main battle tanks. The M2 flamethrower. Before the Army wimped out and got rid of it.
Unlike those weapons, the Tomcat is safer around kids and pets. No poison. To set the device, use one hand to open the trap by pinching it in the back (like opening a clothespin). Hold the trap open and apply a small amount of food (such as peanut butter or cheese) to the small cup on the tongue of the trap. With a small spoon, toothpick, etc. In our house, The General holds the trap open and I add the bait. Because she’s smart, just in case, if you are visualizing this.
Clean. No-touch disposal. Throw the entire contraption away or release the trap jaws outside in the bushes so Mr. Mouse becomes food for Mr. Owl or some other hungry critter. Recycling. Then squirt down the empty trap with a garden hose, air dry and reuse. Catches mice like a champ. Haven’t seen any live ones for days.
Now my only problem is: how do I finesse getting a Rossi Brawler? Past The General? Because The General knows all. That’s why she’s The General.